Is This Some Kind of Joke?
by PurpleBandit3000
Summary: Sketches, parodies, jokes, comedy skits, and stories of all shapes and sizes starring the Total Drama characters you all know and love! Numerous humorous takes on things old and new. Read for the LOLs.
1. Chapter 1

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Disclaimer - I do not own the Total Drama series or any of the characters. Most of these jokes aren't mine either and are twists of things that already exist.

* * *

Hey, everybody! It's me, Purple Bandit, with a new series!

I've got funny sketches, hilarious parodies, and comedic short stories, starring your favorite Total Drama characters! I hope you enjoy a fresh take on some classic jokes and original creations. Let us begin.

* * *

 **1 – Funniest Joke in the World**

* * *

Owen and Scott were walking through the dense jungle, both of them with rifles in their hands.

"Owen likes being a hunter." Owen said.

"Yeah, yeah. Just call out if you see anything." Scott said impatiently.

The redhead had gotten hungry and was hoping to get a quick meal. Owen was a good hunting buddy, but with him tagging along, it meant the needed to catch something big enough to fill both their appetites, like a deer.

Suddenly, Scott fell to the ground, clutching his chest.

"Great Scott! What's wrong!?" Owen asked, rushing up to him.

"Call… a doctor…" Scott said in between deep breaths.

As he was lying around on the ground, Owen whipped out his phone. After dialing a number, he began to panic over what to say.

"Hello?" A gruff voice answered.

"Chef! You gotta help me! Scott just fell on the ground while we were out hunting! I don't know what to do!"

"Well, the first thing you should do is call a real doctor, foo! How you expect me to help you?" Chef answered irately.

"Oh, right." Owen said sheepishly before hanging up.

"Dang teenagers." Chef muttered to himself. He returned to polishing his nails and watching _iCarly_ while listening to ' _Friday_ ' at full blast.

Meanwhile, back at the jungle, Owen was seriously freaking out.

The blonde was running around in circles.

"What do I do? Who do I call? I don't know anyone with medical experience! Oh, I'll call Tyler or Izzy!"

He was about to dial Tyler's number when Scott spoke up.

"Call… Bridgette…" He said. "I think… I have… a heart attack."

"You know, I thought _I_ would be the one to get a heart attack since I'm overweight and I eat so much."

"Hurry up!" Scott said.

"Alright, alright." Owen said, calling Bridgette. "It's not like you're dying or anything."

Scott scowled at him.

"Hello?" Bridgette asked.

"Hey, Bridgette! How are things going with Geoff?"

"Um… fine. I guess. Is this why you called?"

"No! I have a situation here. Scott and I were out hunting in the jungle and he frickin' collapsed."

Owen looked at Scott, who had stopped moving. "You gotta help me!"

"Okay, okay. Calm down." Bridgette said. "Bring him down to the hospital I work at."

"Oh thank you! You're a lifesaver!" Owen said.

He had picked up Scott and was going to carry him out of the jungle when Bridgette said something to him over the phone.

"Wait! How's his appearance? Does he look any different?" Bridgette said.

Owen eyed Scott's body.

"Well, his eyes are glazed and he's not breathing." Owen said, his eyes widening. "Oh, crap. I think he might be dead!"

Bridgette was taken aback but regained her composure.

"I see. I don't want to waste your time, energy and money by bringing him over here to find out he's already passed away."

"Oh, right."

"Listen to me very closely." Bridgette said. "I can help you, but I need you to do one thing first."

"What's that?" Owen asked.

"Make sure he's dead." Bridgette said.

There was a silence. After a while, a gunshot was heard.

Owen gets back on the phone. "Okay, he's dead. Now, what?"

* * *

I kid you not. This really is the world's funniest joke. Look it up if you like.

I felt this was a good sketch to begin with. Of course, I added a few embellishments to make it lengthier and Total Drama flavored.

Well, I hoped you enjoyed it. Stick around, because there's plenty more where that came from!


	2. Chapter 2

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Now for some shorter ones. Enjoy! :P

* * *

 **2 – Quickies**

* * *

Lindsay was reading her horoscope for the day. It said, "You are easily influenced by what you read and have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."

-X-

Noah was walking through the halls of Cambridge University. He saw a boy walking next to him and talked to him.

"So, where do you come from?" Noah asked.

"I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." The boy answered.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that." Noah said. "Where do you come from, _jackass_?"

-X-

Cody saw an announcement about a pun contest online. He emailed ten different puns to the company, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. A week later, the results were out. Cody checked to see if any of his puns had won. Unfortunately, no pun in-ten-did.

-X-

Alejandro is talking with his psychologist, Dawn.

"Last night I made a Freudian slip." Alejandro said. "I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say, 'Could you please pass the butter?' Instead I said, 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

-X-

Geoff and DJ, both now in their 60s, were out playing golf one day.

Geoff was about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

"Wow!" DJ said. "That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

"Yeah, well, we _were_ married 35 years." Geoff replied.

-X-

Sadie got on a bus, her baby in her arms. Scott, the bus driver takes one look at the baby and says "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."

A fuming Sadie goes to the rear of the bus and sits down. Harold, who was sitting nearby, asked her what's wrong.

"That driver just insulted me!" Sadie said, tears in her eyes.

Harold is pissed at this. "You go right up there and tell him off!" The nerd said. "Don't worry. I'll hold your monkey for you."

* * *

More to come soon! :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

This chapter got replaced somehow so I reuploaded it.

* * *

 **3 - Political Humor**

* * *

Justin was married to Heather and they had two sons. They all lived in a big mansion with their maid Katie.

One morning when Justin was reading the newspaper as all fathers do, his elder son came up to him.

"Dad, what's politics?" He asked.

Justin was unsure of how to answer the question in a manner that his six year old would understand. After a while, a thought came to him.

"Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me 'Capitalism'." Justin said. "Your mom, she's the administrator of the money and she sets the rules around here, so we'll call her 'The Government'. Are you with me so far?"

The son nodded.

"Good." Justin said. " Now, we're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you 'The People'. Our maid servant does the chores around here so, we'll consider her 'The Working Class'. Lastly, your baby brother must carry our legacy forward. We'll call him 'The Future'. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

The little boy nodded and went off to bed thinking about what his dad.

Later that night, he heard his baby brother crying and went to check on him. He notices that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parents' room to tell them and finds his mother sound asleep. The door was locked from the inside. He knocked for a bit but got no response.

He then went to the nanny's room. This room was also locked, but the boy peeked in the keyhole and sees his father sleeping with Katie, their maid. He knocked again but the sounds went unheard.

Giving up, the boy went back to bed and slept over the sounds of his crying brother.

The next morning, the little boy went up to his father again.

"What is it, son?" Justin asked.

"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The boy said.

"That's great, son!" Justin exclaimed. "Now, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy took a deep breath and replied

"Capitalism is screwing The Working Class while The Government sleeps, The People are ignored and The Future is full of crap."

* * *

It's funny because politics itself is a joke! Ha!

Yeah. You may have heard that one before, but I tried to make it Total Drama-esque.

* * *

Poly - Many

Tick - Blood-sucking insect

Therefore, Politics is many blood-sucking insects!


	4. Chapter 4

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Now for the _really_ classic ones.

* * *

 **4 – The Fourth Chapter Walks Into A Bar**

* * *

Anne Maria walked into a bar. She asked the bartender, Vito, for a 'double entendre', so he gives it to her.

-X-

Owen walks into a bar with Mr. Coconut in his arms.

"A pint of Guinness for me and Mr. Coconut." He says to the barman, Vito.

"I'm sorry." Vito replies. "We don't serve food here."

-X-

Duncan walks into a bar. His rampant alcoholism is tearing his family apart.

-X-

Noah walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender, Vito, says, "I'll give you a drink for free if you tell me a meta-joke."

"Okay." Noah said. "A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, 'I'll give you a drink if you tell me a meta-joke.' So the guy says, 'A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, 'here you go.' So he gives the guy a drink.' So he gives the guy a drink.' So he gives the guy a drink."

-X-

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." He then hands the bartender (Vito, if you aren't aware yet) a twenty-dollar bill.

Vito assuming that Rodney doesn't know the prices of drinks, gives him 15 cents change.

"First time here?" Vito asks.

"Yup." Rodney replied. "At $19.85 a drink, it'll be my last time as well."

-X-

Tyler and DJ walk into a bar. Cody is short and walks right under it.

-X-

Alejandro walked into a bar and saw a 9-inch pianist sitting on Trent's shoulder.

"That's amazing." Alejandro said. "How did you get that?"

Trent pulled out a bottle and told him to rub it and make a wish. Alejandro rubbed the bottle, and a genie popped out and told him that he can have one wish.

Alejandro thought for a moment before saying, "I wish I had a billion bucks."

"OK, go outside." The genie said. "Your wish has been granted."

Alejandro goes outside, but all he finds are ducks filling the sky and roads. He goes back in and tells Trent what happened.

"That genie needs to get his ears checked." Trent said. "Did you really think I wanted a 9-inch _pianist_?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Time for a fix fic!

* * *

 **5 – Total Funny Island: 'Well, Crap' Edition**

* * *

 _Episode 3 – The Big Sleep_

Chris: Eva you're out of the contest and you can't come back… EVER!

Killer Bass: Yay! No more Eva!

Chris: …Except for when I bring her back after the merge. For RATINGS!

Killer Bass: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 5 – Not Quite Famous_

Chris: Heather, you're finished.

Heather: What!? But I had a foolproof plan involving my alliance. Besides, _everyone_ knows that five is a clear majority out of a total ten people.

Chris: Yeah. Turns out Owen had a man-crush on Justin and reversed his vote to you instead.

Trent: I don't know what you hoped to gain by reading Gwen's diary out loud to the whole viewing world.

Leshawna: Yeah. The only thing it did was reveal how much of a brat you are and make people hate you more. No purpose whatsoever.

Heather: Shut it! It was the perfect strategy.

Chris: Looks like your strategy failed. See you later. Or maybe not, since you're eliminated!

Heather: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 12 – Basic Straining_

Chris: Harold, you manipulated the votes to make it look like everyone voted for Courtney. We have clear video evidence of this act, which is against the rules. You cheated and you're out.

Harold: But I never got to live, love, or see boobies!

Chris: That's too bad. Tata, dude!

Harold: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 15 – No Pain, No Game!_

Eva: Now I'm going to pick on Bridgette for the entire episode despite the fact that she wasn't even the reason I got sent home, and I will also ignore all the other Bass members that voted for me and only pick on Bridgette. You're dead, blondie!

Lindsay: Wait. Does she mean me?

Bridgette: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 16 – Hide and Be Sneaky!_

Duncan: Let's all form a Guy's Alliance. Agreed?

Boys: Agreed.

Duncan: Good. Now let's vote Bridgette off tonight and then promptly forget that this alliance ever existed, okay?

Boys: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 18 – That's Off the Chain!_

Campers: We're not racing until you make the rules less convoluted and confusing.

Chris: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 19 – Hook, Line, and Screamer!_

DJ: Now you're going to kick me off because I never got found by the killer, or committed any horror-movie mistake. This is opposed to a bunch of other people who broke the rules or got caught before me?

Chris: Yeah, well, black dudes have to die first in a horror movie. Everyone knows that!

DJ: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 21 - Trial by Tri-Armed Triathlon_

Geoff: You guys voted for me because I was _too nice_? Seriously?

Others: Yep.

Geoff: What about that Guy's Alliance we made back in the Hide-and-Seek challenge?

Duncan: We all promptly forgot about that, remember?

Geoff: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 22 - After the Dock of Shame_

Chris: Yeah, I'm sorry Leshawna, the losers and a parrot all voted you off despite the fact that you're so nice to everyone.

Leshawna: Hold up. Are you saying that a _parrot_ voted for me?

Chris: Yeah. Twice!

Leshawna: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 24 - Are We There Yeti?_

Chef: Here we are, Playa des Losers.

Duncan: You mean while I was competing on that island eating your nasty food and risking my life during Chris's crazy challenges, the people we voted off got to chill at a five-star resort?

Chef: Yup.

Duncan: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 26 - The Very Last Episode, Really!_

Chris: So after a long eight weeks, Owen has won Total Drama Island!

Campers: Yay!

Chris: Gwen, even though you made it all the way to the finale and endured the same crap that Owen did, perhaps even more, you get nothing! You lose! Good day, madam!

Gwen: Well, crap!

-X-

 _Episode 27 – Total Drama Drama Drama Drama Island_

Chris: There is a case with one million dollars hidden on this island. It could be yours if you give up your TDI prize money.

Owen: Nah. I'm good. I think 100,000 dollars is enough compensation for the torture I went through.

Chris: Well, crap!

-x-

Chris: Okay then. I guess that ends your guys' hopes of making any money off this show. You'll all be replaced by new contestants next season, so enjoy your short stint of popularity while it lasts.

Everyone: Well, crap!

* * *

I felt script format worked better for this chapter. Despite these mistakes and more, Total Drama Island will always be my favorite season!

I have no more jokes to tell you guys.

Reviewers: Well, crap!


	6. Chapter 6

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Chapter sex- err, I mean, 'SIX'!

* * *

 **6 – Orange You Glad?**

* * *

One fine day, Geoff and Duncan were sitting around bored, with nothing to do. Thus, they decided to steal some stuff from their neighbor, Lightning.

Lightning had left his window open, but the only thing in reaching distance was a bag of oranges. So, the boys went up near the window, grabbed the bag, and took off. They had already gone by the time Lightning came back.

"Sha-what?" Lightning asked, befuddled.

Duncan and Geoff decided to go to a quiet place where they could share the lot equally.

"Let's go to the old abandoned Old Abandoned Cemetery!" Duncan suggested.

"Did you just say 'old abandoned old abandoned Cemetery'?" Geoff asked.

"I did."

"So... 'old abandoned' twice?"

"Yeah. It's called 'The Old Abandoned Cemetery', and it's now old and abandoned. So let's go there."

"I don't know, man." Geoff said, unsure.

"Why not? It's quiet there and we won't be disturbed." Duncan said.

"Well, alright. Let's go." Geoff said.

The two went to the Cemetery. When they jumped over the gate to enter it, two oranges fell out of the bag, but the boys didn't stop to pick them up.

It wasn't like they cared, anyway. They were in a hurry and had dozens of oranges.

As they divided their loot, Tyler jogged past the cemetery gate.

The jock stopped after hearing someone speak from inside.

"One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

Tyler couldn't make who was talking, as it was dark and the cemetery was unlit. Spooked out, Tyler ran as fast as he could to ask the local priest what to do.

"Father, please come with me. It is urgent." Tyler requested.

"What seems to be the matter, eh?" Ezekiel asked.

"Voices… at the old abandoned Old Abandoned Cemetery." Tyler said.

"What!? That place has been old and abandoned for years now!" Ezekiel said.

They both ran as fast as their legs could carry them back to the cemetery gate.

The voice continued. "One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you. One for me, one for you."

"What do you think it is, Father?" Tyler asked.

"Oh no, it's just as I feared, eh." Ezekiel said.

"What? What's wrong?" Tyler whispered, so as not to be heard by the things inside.

"It's God and Satan. They're dividing up all the corpses in the graveyard!" Ezekiel exclaimed.

Both Tyler and Ezekiel's hairs turned white at this.

"Wait a minute." They heard a voice say from inside. "We forgot something."

At that point, the other voice stopped counting. The priest and the jock listened intently.

The first voice asked something to the second one.

"What about the two at the gate?"

* * *

TEEHEE! I'll see you guys around.

Noah: Yeah. You should really update ' _Noah's Tour of the World_ '

Me: Hey! Now's not the time for fourth-wall breaking. That comes later!


	7. Chapter 7

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Now for lucky chapter seven.

* * *

 **7 – Gadget Guy and the Awkward Series Premiere**

* * *

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. The last survivor of Krypton- no, wait. That's Superman.

After a science experiment in New York City went awry, he was bitten by a radioactive arachnid and soon became- no, wait. That's Spider-Man.

He's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. The dark knight- no, wait. That's Batman!

God damn it! You know what? Screw the intro. Let's just get right to the action.

The city of Muskoka! Home of the great Gadget Guy. Here he comes right now!

A man wearing a robotic silver suit was soaring through the sky, in what totally wasn't a ripoff of Iron Man at all!

He was chasing two thieves who were driving a car. Inside the car was something they had stolen, which was something so valuable, so expensive, so costly, that I can't even mention what it is because I'll get sued.

The people below commented on the proceedings

"Look! Up in the sky!"

"It's a bird!"

"It's a plane!"

"Nope. I'm pretty sure it's a bird."

"Yeah. You're right. I need to get my eyes checked."

Gadget Guy fired a needle at one of the car tires, causing it to go flat. The thieves attempted to take off on foot, but Gadget Guy cast a net at them, ensnaring them both.

The thieves then uttered a bunch of obscenities, and listing them off would plunge this fic into M-rated territory, so I'd rather not.

The policemen that were nowhere to be seen during the entirety of the car chase scene suddenly came out of nowhere and apprehended the thief.

"Thank you, strange robot person, but who are you?" One of the policemen asked our hero.

"I am Gadget Guy. I fight for truth, justice, and the Canadian way!" Gadget Guy proclaimed.

"Wow. That's so damn cheesy, but thank you." The policeman said.

"No problem." Gadget Guy said, flying off to his headquarters and leaving the policemen wondering about his secret identity.

They really shouldn't worry about stuff like that. I mean, it's called 'secret identity' for a reason.

At his HQ, Gadget Guy took off his mask to reveal that he was... Chris Maclean!

He then removed that mask to show that he was actually... Sasquathinkwa! Dun, dun, dun.

No wait, that makes no sense. The Sasquatchinakwa mask was removed again to reveal the real, true, actual identity of Gadget Guy.

Cody Emmett Jameson Anderson.

"No one must ever know my identity." Cody said rather obviously. "Except the audience. They have to know everything, for dramatic irony and such."

Cody, like most other superheroes, had a super-hot girlfriend by the name of Lindsay Wilson.

When I said 'most other superheroes', I meant they have a 'super-hot girlfriend', not that her name is Lindsay Wilson.

Cody was super rich because he dealt in a business that allowed him to make a seemingly impossible amount of money. After making out with Lindsay for a good twenty minutes, he went to take a shower.

Cody hadn't even told Lindsay that he was Gadget Guy for fear that she would blurt it out and his secret would be exposed. If there was one thing Lindsay loved, it was gossip.

Little did our crimefighter know that his troubles were only beginning, for someone was watching the news coverage of the car chase that evening.

"Interesting. Very interesting." The person, who shall remain unnamed for the sake of retaining suspense, muttered to themselves.

"Let's test this 'Gadget Guy' and see what he's really made of."

As the person laughed sinisterly to himself, leaving those nearby to question his sanity, I'll end in a cliffhanger, as most superhero stories do nowadays.

 _TO BE CONTINUED..._

 _MAYBE._

 _POSSIBLY._

* * *

About time I got some 'original' work in.

Will this series be continued? Find out on the next chapter of 'Is This Some Kind of Joke?'.


	8. Chapter 8

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Gr8 b8 m8. I r8 8/8

* * *

 **8 – Gadget Guy and the Awkward Series Premiere, Part Deux**

* * *

Previously on Gadget Guy... some stuff happened to some dudes because of something and I left you guys on a cliffhanger because that's what cartoons do. Whatever. Time for part two!

It was a sunny, sunny day in Ontario. Just the perfect temperature for going to the beach, or hang out at the mall, or go on a rampage across the entire city destroying everything in your path.

Currently, an enraged Eva was doing one of the three, and I'm only gonna give you one guess to find out which.

"Gaargh! I hate this place!" Eva shrieked, stomping her foot on the ground.

This stomp actually caused a minor earthquake, and the abnormality of the situation alerted Gadget Guy. I mean, it's not every day the Eva destroys everything she comes in contact with.

Okay, maybe it is, but this time, the scenario was different.

"Stop right there!" Gadget Guy said.

His face completely changed to one of shock when he figured out it was Eva. Of course, Eva had no way of knowing this due to the mask he was wearing.

"No. I'm going to continue to tear apart things for no reason!" Eva hollered, tearing apart things for no reason.

"Then I have no choice but to stop you." Cody said.

He aimed his robot arm and cast a net around the monster known as 'Eva'.

"You call that a net?" Eva roared, ripping the thing to shreds.

"Well, yeah. I mean, it _is_ a net, albeit a very weak one." Cody replied.

He barely had and time to dodge as a car came flying at him.

"Holy crap! Calm your tits!" Cody screamed.

Unfortunately for our hero, it was not the best choice of words.

"What did you just say to me?" Eva growled.

"Triggered." Cody mumbled.

Now Eva was angrier than ever, which Cody thought wasn't even possible.

"You are so dead, robot boy!" Eva yelled.

I'm really running out of verbs that signify that you're saying something loudly.

"Shut the hell up!" Eva hollered at me.

See? Case in point.

At that point, Gadget Guy blasted Eva with some watermelon seeds.

"Watermelon seeds?" Gadget Guy asked, shooting me a confused look.

Yeah. They're sharp and fast like bullets, but not as deadly. I want this story to be family-friendly. No character deaths!

So Gadget Guy shot more watermelon seeds at Eva, who became enraged and grabbed the hero, crushing his suit.

"You're crushing my suit!" Cody cried out.

Eva then tossed him into a building.

'Crap. I should've just held him here instead of letting him go.' Eva thought to herself before she received a punch that sent her crashing into a car.

"Tell me... do you bleed?" Cody asked.

"What kind of a question is that? Of course, I bleed! Every human being bleeds, you idiot." Eva said.

"No! You ruined it!" Cody said.

"I don't know what you're talking about. Now come here so I can kick your ass!"

Hey, Eva! I said no bad language. We're trying to be family-friendly here, remember? Now play nice.

"Stand down. Fincal warning." Cody said, aiming his blaster at Eva.

"Never!"

"No! You ruined it again!" Cody wailed before Eva crashed into him.

"I will crush your skull!" Eva said.

Cody looked around and got an idea.

"Time to end this." Eva stated, kicking her foot against the ground and snorting like a mad bull.

"I'm not gonna kill you. I'm just gonna hurt you... really, really bad." Cody said.

Then, he pulled out a red cape and swung it around as Eva had fire in her eyes.

Cody, where exactly did you get that thing from?

"You don't want to know, narrator. Trust me." Cody said.

Um... okay.

Eva charged at Cody, but he jumped out of the way just in time and Eva was sent crashing into a high-voltage electrical junction box. She got zapped by over 9000 volts of electricity, but still survived thanks to lots of exercise and a diet that consisted of mainly vegetables.

Even Eva was shocked at this, literally.

See, kids? The moral of the story is that if you eat your vegetables and work out a lot, you'll become an insane psychotic sociopath with anger issues.

Then Eva spent the rest of her life in jail. Happy ending.

"Wait a minute. Why was Eva destroying the city in the first place?" Cody pondered.

I dunno. It's not like anyone was pulling strings behind the scenes or anything.

"Yeah. You're right. I won't investigate into this matter any further. Good night."

Good night, Cody.

So, once again, the day is saved, thanks to... The Powerpuff Girls- um, err, I mean, 'Gadget Guy'!

* * *

I have no idea what the heck I just wrote.


	9. Chapter 9

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Sorry I took a long time to write this. I bet you guys already know what this chapter's about: Psycho Trent!

* * *

 **9 - Nine Tales of Nine Trents**

* * *

Tale 1:

Trent was bored. He didn't know what to do. So, he decided to jerk off nine times. After that, he decided to make a cloning machine to make nine of him. He sat down and worked on the machine for a long time. After ninety nine hours, it was finally finished. Trent wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Behold! My Clone-inator 9000!" Trent announced to no one in particular.

-x-

Tale 2:

Now all that Trent needed to do was clone himself, which he did. He made sure there were nine clones of him. Once the operation was successful, he danced around with the other Trents. After that, he named himself 'Leader of the Trents', with his clones being named 'Trent 2, Trent 3, etc. all the way up to Trent 9'

This made Trent very happy. Now, it was time for him to move out with his Trent clones and proceed with his plan.

-x-

Tale 3:

Trent decided to take his clones skydiving. Of course, the pilot was rather freaked out when he saw nine people that looked exactly alike come up to him (who wouldn't be?), but Trent managed to convince the pilot that they were in fact, nonuplets.

As long as the pilot got the money, he didn't really care. So, there they were, high up in the sky, preparing to jump. Trent 2 was up first.

"What's the difference between a bad skydiver and a bad golfer?" The original Trent asked him.

"I don't know." Trent 2 said.

"One goes 'Whack! Dang!', and the other goes 'Dang! Whack!'." Trent said,

"Oh. That's exactly what I wanted to hear before I plummet to the ground." Trent 2 said sarcastically.

"Shut up. You know it's funny." Trent said.

With that, Trent 2 jumped off the plane.

"You forgot your parachute bag!" Trent said, throwing it after him.

-x-

Tale 4:

The other Trents were too scared to jump, so they all pussied out and went to the creator Trent's house.

"I bet you can't fit me in the refrigerator." Trent 3 said.

"Yeah I can." First Trent said.

"How?" Trent 3 asked.

"Easy." Trent said.

He then opened the refrigerator, put Trent 3 in it, and closed the door.

"There's no need to over-complicate simple things." Trent said.

-x-

Tale 5:

"Now put me in there!" Trent 4 said.

"Why? What the heck is up with you guys? Do you have some weird refrigerator fetish or something?" Trent asked.

"Just do it!" Trent 4 said.

"Fine." Trent said.

So, he opened the refrigerator, **took out Trent 3** , put in Trent 4, and closed the door.

"This question has tested my ability to think through the implications of my previous actions." Trent said.

"Who are you talking to?" Trent 3 asked.

"That is none of your concern." Trent said.

-x-

Tale 6:

At that point, Trent decided to hold a Grand Meeting at a nearby hotel, with all Trents invited. However, not all the Trents arrived there.

"One of you guys isn't here, but which one?" Trent asked.

The other Trents all looked around, super confused about which one of them was missing. They even tried to do a roll call, but they kept getting mixed up.

"We're all here! You're tricking us!" Trent 7 said.

"Nope. One of you is missing. Tell me who."

The other Trents deliberated and argued for a long while, but couldn't figure it out.

"It's Trent 4, you morons! I just put him there. Your memory is total crap!" Trent said. "Man, I can't believe how stupid you all are!"

"Oh… we should probably let him out, then." Trent 5 said.

"Yeah. He could die in there." Trent 3 said. "I mean, Trent 2 already died from that skydiving incident."

"Who's stupid now?" Trent 8 said.

-x-

Tale 7:

At that point, Gwen went to Trent's house to talk about something. Namely regarding how much of a psycho the boy had become. She knocked on the door multiple times, but no one answered.

"Why aren't they here?" Gwen asked herself.

"Because they're all at the Grand Meeting. Weren't you reading the story?"

"I was, but what about the one stuck in the refrigerator?" Gwen asked.

"Oh, he died."

"Why are so many Trents dying? What the hell?"

"Because he's a moron."

"Yeah. Guess I shouldn't be too surprised."

"Good, because you're next."

"What?"

-x-

Tale 8:

At that point, Gwen died. Why?

She was hit by the parachute bag that fell from the sky!

Talk about irony!

Then al the Trents came back from the meeting and lived happily ever after becuase Trent cloned himself again to make sure there were nine of them.

-x-

Tale 9:

"Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Not Gwen!"

* * *

Wew, lads. Totally hit or miss with some of the jokes here, but I just knew that the ninth chapter had to be about Trent. See you next year with a new update!


	10. Chapter 10

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

PurpleBandit3000 presents…

In accordance with PurpleBandit3000…

A PurpleBandit3000 production…

Directed by PurpleBandit3000…

* * *

 **10 - War of the Stars**

* * *

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…

The entire universe was empty. Then, the Big Bang occurred- no, wait! That's _too_ far back!

Fine. We'll fast forward then.

…

…

Then they lived happily ever after- no! That's _too_ far into the future. This stupid remote.

Let's just go to where it all began.

Chef Vader was meeting with Emperor Maclean regarding their plan to take over the world.

"We are close, Master. It's impossible for us to lose now." Chef said.

"Okay, first off, it's not impossible, so let's focus on winning, okay?" The Emperor asked.

"As you wish."

"One more thing."

"What?"

"Your breathing is seriously annoying me. Fix your respirator or something."

"What? But it sounds totally badass."

"I'll admit it does. I sense someone is training to defeat us right now."

"Is he?"

"Hey! Did you just assume the gender?"

"Um… I just thought that-"

"So girls can't become warriors. Is that what you're saying?"

"What? No! I just meant that-"

"Come on, Chef. It's 3 ABY." Chris said. "Don't you think it's time we stopped discriminating?"

"Yes, sire."

"Okay. Those annoying rebel scum destroyed the first Doom Sphere, and I do not want a repeat of that incident with the 2nd Doom Sphere, ya hear me?"

"Loud and clear, sire."

Meanwhile, on some planet other than Earth…

"I want to be a Jedeye because no one can kill them." Harold Moonwalker said. "At least that's what my father told me anyway."

"Your father was a Jedeye and someone killed him, so I'm pretty sure he's wrong." Said Obi-Don Kenobi

"What the hell!? Why'd you wait this long to tell me!"

"It makes it more dramatic that way." Don said.

He handed Harold a Laser Sword.

"This is a Laser Sword." Don said.

"I know. It said so in the text. Aren't you even reading this story? Gosh!"

"This is the weapon of a Jedeye Warrior. Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon... for a more civilized age."

"So we're civilized? Huh. Guess you learn something new every day."

"Yes. For some reason, we chose to use a sword over a gun or a tank, but it makes it look awesome when you deflect bullets off of this baby!"

"So… shouldn't you be giving me a motivational speech or something?" Harold asked. "I _am_ the one destined to defeat those evil people, right?"

"Right. Ahem. Something, something, telekinetic powers. Something, something, Evil Side. Now go, fulfill the prophecy." Don said.

"There's a specific saying that you have to utter." Said Harold.

"Oh, yes, of course. How could I have forgotten?" Don wondered. "...Live long and prosper."

"Nope. That's from some other show that I'm not allowed to name due to copyright reasons and the possibility of starting a fan war."

"Oh… may the odds be ever in your favor, then."

"No! That's not it!"

"Um… you're a wizard, Harold."

"Gosh! It's like you don't even know what we're ripping off!"

"I got it!" Don exclaimed. "May the F- err, Mass Times Acceleration be with you!"

"Thank you for training me." Harold said. "I shall now apply those skills in combat."

"Yeah. Seriously. Go now. We're running out of time." Don said.

Harold got into his spaceship and sped off.

"Master, I was wondering, are we the baddies?" Chef asked. "I mean, our name is literally 'The Shit'."

"Nonsense!" Chris exclaimed. "I'll admit that it's a rather… crappy name, but all we want is for people to obey our every command or die if they refuse! What's so evil about that?"

"Hm. Can't argue with that logic." Chef said.

"I sense someone's presence." Chris said. "I feel a tingling indicating that someone is coming to attack us.

"Or maybe you need to pee." Chef said.

"Yeah. That's probably it." Chris said. "Back in a bit."

He headed off to the restroom.

Right at that moment, as if it was almost scripted, that was when Harold showed up.

"I'm here! It's time for me to defeat you, Chef Vader!" The boy said, brandished his lightsa- I mean, Laser Sword.

"Wow. You compensating for something?" Chef asked.

"What? No!"

"How the heck did you get here, anyway?"

"Pretty easy when the entrance is large as hell and the security measures are barely working." Harold said.

"Wow. We _really_ need to get that looked into." Chef said.

"Enough talk! Let's fight!" Harold exclaimed.

"Agreed." Chef said, taking out his own Laser Sword.

After a long and grueling battle that I won't bother to explain, Chef was on the verge of defeating the young Jedeye.

"Join me, my boy!" Chef said. "Together, we can rule the entire universe!"

"No! I will never surrender- wait, what? Did you just call me 'your _boy_ '?" Harold asked confused.

"Yes, Harold. I am your daddy!"

"What? That can't be true. Aren't you black?"

"Well, yeah, but- Hey! That's racist!"

"I'm a ginger, man. I know you killed my father, so stop trying to mess with my head."

"No, I _am_ your father!"

"No, you're not! Stop lying! I know my mother married a white guy. You're not my dad!"

"Oh, yeah? You do you know we didn't have some 'fun time' together, huh?"

"Aw, dude. That's gross!" Harold said.

"Hey, Chef. I just took the most humongoid crap and oh, my gosh!" Emperor Chris Maclean exclaimed. "Why are you wasting time talking to that brat? Finish him off already!"

"But… but… he may or may not be my son." Chef said.

"Dude, he's not your son. Kill him!"

Harold, noticing the situation he was in, quickly reacted.

"No, father! Please don't kill me. I'm your only son!"

"He's lying, Chef. Get him."

"No. It is _you_ that has lied." Chef said. "Can you not see our striking resemblance?"

"... You gotta be kidding me." Chris said. "Fine. I'll do it myself."

He then began electrocuting Harold with bolts from his hands.

"Ha! I'm electrocuting you with lightning bolts from my hands just like the text said!" Chris exclaimed. "How do you like that, huh? I'm so evil!"

Harold began to writhe in pain, and Chef could look at the plight of his son no longer.

"Aw, hell, no!" Chef exclaimed.

He quickly grabbed the Emperor and carried him away.

"Where the heck are you taking me? No! Not the nearly bottomless shaft that I conveniently forgot to close."

"Great idea." Chef said, tossing the evil Emperor in.

"Damn it. I knew I should have stuck to my reality show hosting job." Maclean said as he hurtled down the shaft.

"Great job, dad!" Harold said as the two high-fived. "Now, let's get out of here."

"Wait. There's just one more thing I need to do."

"Which is?"

Chef Vader turned on the PA system.

"Attention, everyone. This is Chef Vader speaking. I just wanted to let you know that Emperor Maclean has ordered you all to stop with the torturing and killing and fighting and stuff. Just stop with all the evil stuff. Why can't we all be friends?"

"Emperor Maclean said _that_?" One of the minions asked.

"Yep. He definitely said it! Oh, but, uh… don't bother looking for him. Because… uh, he went away and said he'd never come back… so, yeah. Stop with the evilness. Bye bye."

Now, we can get to the ending...

"Wow. This is a pretty big." Chris said. "I feel like I've been falling for an eternity. Maybe I won't die after all-"

 _SPLAT!_

* * *

Couldn't wait till May Fourth. Sorry.

Lucas, please don't sue.


	11. Chapter 11

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

Time to advertise my other stories. Yay! I just know my readers love hearing about the other fics I'm writing. As always, links to all my stories can be found on my profile page.

I just published a new one called 'TotAlejandro Island'. It's about what would happen if Alejandro (post All-Stars) were to compete in season one. Check that out if you haven't already.

Also, the next chapter of Noah's Tour of the World will be published in two weeks (read 'A longass time').

I'm sorry. I'll probably get some writing done on it over the weekend.

Until then, you can read this:

* * *

 **11 - Drop It Like It's Hot**

* * *

*Ding dong!*

The doorbell rang at Lindsay and Tyler's house. It was a fairly big house and the two had been living there for quite some time.

They were both in their twenties now and Total Drama was in their past, though they still kept in touch with their fellow cast members.

*Ding dong!*

The bell rang again.

"Can you answer the door, Linds?" Tyler asked his girlfriend. "I'm kinda busy right now playing Madden."

"Sure thing, Taylor." Lindsay said from upstairs.

The blonde had just finished taking a shower. So, still dripping wet, she quickly put on a bathrobe and hurried down the stairs.

Upon opening the door, she saw Cody standing at the other end.

"Oh… hi, Cory!" Lindsay said.

"Hey." Cody said, not bothering to correct her.

His eyes went wide and he was unable to avert his gaze from Lindsay's body.

"So… what do you want?" Lindsay asked. "Are you the cable guy?"

"No! I, well…"

"You what?"

Cody was unsure of what to say.

"Um… I came here to hand you a hundred bucks." Cody said.

He then held up the cash as proof.

"Oh. A hundred bucks!" Lindsay said, staring at the money as intently as Cody was staring at her figure.

The blonde was about to grab the bill when Cody held it back. He looked inside the hallway and out to see if anyone else was watching.

"Only if you remove your towel first." Cody said.

"My towel?'

"Yes."

"You mean this towel? The one I'm wearing on my body right now?"

"Yes. That towel." Cody said.

"If you drop it right now, I will hand you the money." Said the geek.

Lindsay thought for a bit, then shrugged. She stared at the crisp hundred dollar bill with the face of some guy she didn't remember. Just think of all the accessories she could buy with that money.

So, Lindsay dropped her towel.

Cody was almost entranced at the sight as he kept eyeing her up and down. He could hardly believe his luck. A hot blonde was dripping blonde and naked in front of him! He struggled to contain himself. He was drooling as his eyeballs nearly bulged out of his sockets.

Lindsay was used to guys staring at her chest anyway, though she didn't understand why. They were just two lumps and her face was much much prettier.

"So… what about the money?" Lindsay asked after a while.

"Hm?" Cody asked, looking back at her. "Oh, yeah. Here."

He handed her the moolah and went merrily on his way, whistling to himself.

Lindsay closed the door and set aside the one hundred dollar bill. She grabbed her towel and put it back on, going upstairs to get dressed.

That's when Tyler came up to her.

"Who was it, baby?" Asked the jock.

"Who was what?"

"The door you answered. Who was it?"

"Oh, that. Um… it was that one guy. Chad, I think."

"Chad?" Tyler asked, confused. "I only know Chad from accounting and he never comes here. Are you sure it wasn't Cody?"

"Oh, yeah, Cory! It was him!" Lindsay said.

"Oh, good. I've been waiting for him to arrive." Tyler said. "Did he mention anything about the hundred dollars he owes me?"

* * *

Rain Drop

Drop Top

Cody made Lindsay's towel drop.


	12. Chapter 12

**Is This Some Kind of Joke?**

* * *

You asked. I delivered. (Sort of).

* * *

 **12 - Family Problems**

* * *

Beth was constantly yelling at and pestering her husband, Ezekiel.

"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goeth from 0 to 200 in 6 theconds really quickly or you're in big trouble!" She says to him.

"Sure thing, eh." Ezekiel says.

The next morning, sure enough, there was a giant box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Beth rushes outside.

She opens the box and finds a brand new bathroom scale.

-X-

Beardo decides to come out to his parents.

"Mom, dad... I'm gay." The boy says.

His dad clenches his fists.

"Don't." Beardo's mother says.

His dad begins to sweat profusely.

"Honey-"

Beard's dad says "Hi, gay! I'm dad!"

-X-

"You keep calling me your princess but you never treat me like one." Courtney says to her dad.

"Fair point." Her father says.

So, he decides to make her marry an old guy that she had never met before to secure an alliance with the French.

-X-

Geoff and Duncan are married buddies. They were out partying one night when Geoff turns to Duncan.

"You know, bro, I don't know what else to do." Says the party animal. "Whenever I go home after we've been out, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and Bridgette _still_ wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

Duncan snickered before he replies.

"Well, Geoff, my man, you're obviously taking the wrong approach." The punk said. "I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap Zoey's butt, and ask her if we can make out ...and she's always sound asleep."

-X-

"Shawn, are you cheating on me?" Jasmine asks.

"Oh, come on." Shawn says. "You're starting to sound like my wife."

-X-

Amy's boyfriend Tyler had a broken leg, so his friend, Noah comes over to see him.

"How is it?" Noah asked, eyeing the boy's leg.

"It's alright." Tyler said. "Can you do me a favor, though?"

"Sure. Anything you need." Noah said.

"Can you run upstairs and get me my slippers?" Asked Tyler. "My feet are freezing here."

Noah went upstairs and saw Amy and her sister, Sammy, talking.

Thinking quickly, Noah says, "Tyler sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

"Since his leg's broken, he wanted me to pleasure you instead." Noah continues.

"No, he didn't." Amy says. "Prove it."

"Tyler, both of them?" Noah asks the jock downstairs.

"Of course!" Tyler shouts back. "I mean, what's the point of fucking one?"

* * *

teehee


	13. Chapter 13

On February 10, 2017, in a review of Chapter 11, Johnathen (guest reviewer) wrote:

"Can you do a one shot where fang and Scott are dating"

Well, Johnathen, I have fulfilled your wish (kind of). It's called 'Sunk Your Teeth Right Into My Heart'. You can search for it or check my profile for a link. Much like high school or eating broccoli, the process was weird as hell, but I got through it somehow.

* * *

 **13 - The Unluckiest Chapter Yet**

* * *

Chris, Chef, Blaineley, and Heather are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. The mean are sitting across from the women, with Chef sitting next to Chris and Blaineley sitting next to Heather.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, they hear a sound.

 _SLAP!_

This leaves all the passengers shocked.

As the train passes back into daylight, Chris rubs his sore, red cheek.

Blaineley is thinking, 'I bet that moron Chris attempted to fondle Heather and she struck him in return. How deserved.'

Heather is thinking, 'I wouldn't put it past Chris to attempt to grope me in the dark. I bet he mistook Blaineley for me and so she slapped him in return. What a disgusting guy!'

Chris is thinking, 'Ugh. I bet Chef tried to get all touchy-feely with Heather in the dark and she slapped me by mistake. What the hell?'

Chef is thinking, 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that idiot again.'

-X-

Owen was starving and heads over to a restaurant and orders a bowl of chili.

The waitress, Dakota, says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl."

"Oh. I'll have a coffee and a sandwich, then." Owen says.

He looks over and sees Cody sitting at the table next to his.

"Hey, buddy! What's up?" Owen asked.

"Nothing much." The geek replied.

Owen noticed that Cody had finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.

"Are you going to eat that chili?" Owen asked.

"Nope." Cody said. "Help yourself."

Cody slides the bowl of chili over to Owen's table and the big boy starts to devour it. When the blond gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.

Owen looks down sees a dead rat and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

"Yuck! Argh! Gross!" Owen said, mortified.

"Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too." Cody said.

-X-

Geoff and Bridgette decided to go on a romantic cruise for their honeymoon. Unfortunately, they got shipwrecked and ended up on a desert island.

After a few months of isolation, they both noticed a raft bobbing in the waves. When the raft landed, a man emerged. It was Alejandro, yet another victim of a shipwreck. The man and woman welcome the newcomer.

"You're in luck, bro. We've made things as comfortable for us as we can." Geoff told the Latino. "We have a shelter, tools, plenty of fruit and wild animals to eat. We've even built a watchtower to watch for passing ships. How cool is that?"

"That is amazing, amigo." Alejandro said.

"I think a third person can greatly help us with watchtower shifts." Bridgette said. "Why don't you take first shift? If you're not too tired, that is."

"Oh, no. No problem." Alejandro said.

He climbs the tower and starts scanning the horizon. After some time, he looks down at the couple.

"Hey! Are you guys having sex?" He asked.

"We're not, dude." Geoff said. "We're cleaning fish!"

"Oh, okay." Alejandro said.

A little while later, from the watchtower, they hear, "Hey! Stop doing the dirty down there!"

"We are only chopping firewood!" The couple reply.

By and by, from the watchtower again, "Hey! You guys told me you weren't doing it!"

"We aren't!" They yell. "We are sharpening sticks!"

It soon becomes evening. There is still no sign of any ships. Geoff decides to climb up the tower.

"Alright, new guy. Get some rest." Geoff says. "I'll take over from here."

"Okay." Alejandro said.

He climbs down. Geoff remains on the lookout but looks down for a minute.

"Ha!" He exclaimed. "It _does_ look like they're having sex from up here!"

-X-

Lindsay was a wealthy woman, as you all know. One day, her father decides to grant her ownership of the family ranch, located in the south. Lindsay was rather excited by this and decided to go down south to live on the ranch.

However, after just a few years, the place falls into disarray due to mismanagement. Lindsay has no idea why this is happening and calls her friend Courtney for help.

Upon arrival, Courtney deduces that in order to keep the bank from reclaiming the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. The only problem is that they have $600 in cash left.

Courtney decides to head to the stockyard to negotiate. Before she leaves, she tells Lindsay something.

"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

"Okay." Lindsay says.

Courtney heads off and arrives at the stockyard. She inspects the bull and decides she wants to buy it. The man, Scott, comes up to her to talk about the offer. After a lot of debating and bargaining, they come to an agreement. Courtney forks over $599 for the bull. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send Lindsay a telegram to tell her the news.

Courtney walks into the telegraph office.

"I want to send a telegram to my friend telling her that I've bought a bull for her ranch." She said. "I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. I must contact her."

The telegraph operator, DJ explains that he'll be glad to help her.

"It's just 99 cents a word." DJ says.

Well, after paying for the bull, Courtney only has $1 left.

Because they were in the rural countryside, the nearest ATM was a long way away. It would take awhile for Courtney to go all the way there, get cash and come back. The telegraph office would likely be closed by then. This was worrying.

She realizes that she'll only be able to send Lindsay one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word 'comfortable'."

DJ shakes his head. "That's fine and all." He says. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just one word, and that too, 'comfortable'?"

Courtney gave an explanation.

"Lindsay is blonde, and a bit slow. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly… 'come-for-da-bull'."

* * *

Well, I've been meaning to update this story and I've finally done it. That's all I have to say about that. A little something for everybody, no?


	14. Chapter 14

I don't have a military-industrial complex, _you_ have a military-industrial complex!

* * *

 **14 - Full Metal Joke-Kit**

* * *

A collection of Canadian Armed Forces recruits stand at attention in front of their bunks. Master Gunnery Sergeant Hatchet walks along the line of blank-faced recruits.

He was a hulk of a man, very well-built and with his bulging muscles showing, especially his biceps. His figure towered over a majority of the recruits, who were now wondering whether signing up was the best idea.

Maybe he wasn't as bad as he looked.

"I am Gunnery Sergeant Hatchet, your Senior Drill Instructor." Chef said in a booming voice that echoed throughout the room.

"From now on, you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be 'Sir'!" Chef ordered. "Do you maggots understand that!?"

"Sir, yes, sir!" The recruits said in unison.

"Bullcrap! I can't hear you. Sound off like you got a pair!" Chef ordered.

"Sir, yes, sir!" The boys all shouted at the same time.

Chef nodded and continued.

"If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death, praying for war." Said the giant man. "...but until that day you are pukes! You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human frickin' beings! You are nothing but unorganized chaotic pieces of amphibian crap!"

The recruits continued to listen to him, totally silent and with their faces forward.

Nope. He wasn't as bad as he looked.

He was worse.

"Because I am hard, you will not like me." Chef said, seemingly understanding their plight. "...but the more you hate me, the more you will learn."

"I am hard, but I am fair!" Chef continued. "There is no discrimination here! I do not look down on rebels, bookworms, loonies, or geeks. Here you are all equally worthless! And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps! Do you maggots understand that!?"

Chef's line of thinking was that it's only bad if you single out one person and treat em like crap.

"Sir, yes, sir!" The recruits bellowed.

"Bullcrap! I can't hear you!" Chef thundered.

Treat em all like crap? That's equality.

"Sir, yes, sir!" They shouted even louder.

Sergeant Hatchet walked around for a bit before stopping in front of a recruit.

"What's your name, scumbag!?" Chef asked him.

"Sir, Private DJ, sir!" The recruit replied.

He was absolutely terrified and trying his best not to show it.

"Bullcrap!" Chef said for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"From now on, you're Private Snowball! Do you like that name?" Chef asked, getting all up in DJ's face.

"Sir, yes, sir!" DJ replied, realizing he had no choice in the matter.

"Well, there's one thing that you won't like, Private Snowball!" Chef said. "They don't serve fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis in my Mess Hall!"

"Sir, yes, sir!'' Said DJ.

"Someone needs a chill pill." Duncan whispered.

Unfortunately for him, it caught the ear of the Drill Sergeant.

"Who said that?" Chef asked menacingly. "Who the hell said that? Who's the slimy little communist crap twinkle-toed maggot down here, who just signed his own death warrant!?"

Everyone was silent. None of them wanted to rat out the other.

"Nobody, huh!?" Chef angrily asked. "The fairy frickin' godmother said it!"

None of them wanted to rat out the other. Silence was golden.

Chef, on the other hand, was irate.

"Out-frickin'-standing! I'll P.T. you where the sun doesn't shine. I'll P.T. you until your behinds are sucking buttermilk. I will P.T. you all until you frickin' _die_!" Chef roared.

The big man then grabbed Scott by the shirt.

"Was it you, you scroungy little maggot, huh!?" He asked.

"Sir, no, sir!" Scott said.

"You little piece of crap! You look like a frickin' worm! I'll bet it was you!"

"Sir, no, sir!" Scott pleaded.

"Sir, I said it, sir!" Duncan admitted.

Chef looked over at the punk and walked over to him.

"Well… you don't say?" Chef said. "What have we got here, a frickin' comedian? Private Joker? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and screw my sister."

Before Duncan could get excited at the prospect, Chef gave him a hard punch right in the stomach, causing the punk to drop to his knees.

"You little scumbag!" Chef screamed in his face. "I've got your name! I've got your butt! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers. I will teach you! Now get up! Get on your feet!"

Duncan did as told.

"You had best fix yourself or I will unscrew your head and crap down your neck!" Chef hollered.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Duncan said.

"Private Joker, why did you join my beloved Corps?" Chef asked.

"Sir, to kill, sir!" Duncan answered.

"So you're a killer!" Chef exclaimed.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Said Duncan.

"Let me see your war face!" Chef ordered.

"Sir?" Duncan inquired.

"You got a war face?" Chef asked.

"Aaaaaaaagh!" He demonstrated. "That's a war face. Now let me see your war face!"

"Aaaaaaaagh!" Duncan yelled.

"Bullcrap! You didn't convince me!" Chef growled. "Let me see your real war face."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!" Duncan yelled even louder.

"You didn't scare me! Work on it!" Chef ordered.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Duncan said.

Chef then turned to Scott.

"What's your excuse?" He asked.

"Sir, excuse for what, sir?" Scott asked.

" _I'm_ asking the frickin' questions here, Private. Do you understand!?" Chef roared.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Scott said.

"Well thank you very much! Can I be in charge for awhile!?" Chef asked sarcastically.

"Sir, yes, sir!"

"Are you shook up? Are you nervous?" Chef asked intimidatingly.

"Sir, I am, sir!" Scott said.

"Do I make you nervous?"

"Sir!" Scott exclaimed. He didn't dare speak his mind, afraid of what would happen if he said 'yes'.

"Sir, what?" Chef asked. "Were you about to call me a dickhead!?"

"Sir, no, sir!" Scott said.

"How tall are you, Private?" Chef asked him.

"Sir, five foot nine, sir!" Scott answered.

"Five foot nine? I didn't know they stacked crap that high!" Chef said. "You trying to squeeze an inch in on me somewhere, huh!?"

"Sir, no, sir." Scott said, shaking in fear.

"Bullcrap!" Chef shouted. "It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your mama's butt and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!"

"I think you've been cheated!" Chef said. "Where in hell are you from anyway, Private?"

"Sir, Texas, sir!" Scott told him.

"Holy crap! Texas! Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy!" Chef said in his face. "...and you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down!"

"Do you suck dicks!?" Chef asked.

"Sir, no, sir!" Scott said, shocked by the question.

"Are you a peter-puffer?" Chef asked.

"Sir, no, sir!"

"I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would do a person in the butt and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around!" Chef said. "I'll be watching you!"

Chef finally left him and Scott heaved a sigh of relief. Next in the firing line was Owen.

"Did your parents have any other children that lived?" Chef asked him.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Owen said.

"I'll bet they regret that!" Chef said. "You're so ugly you could be a modern art masterpiece!"

"What's your name, fat body?" Chef asked.

"Sir, Owen Lawrence, sir!" The boy yelped.

"Lawrence?" Chef asked. "Lawrence, what? Of Arabia?"

"Sir, no, sir!" Owen said.

"That name sounds like royalty!" Chef said. "Are you royalty?"

"Sir, no, sir!" Owen said.

"Do you suck dicks?" Chef asked.

"Sir, no, sir!" Owen responded.

"Bullcrap!" Chef exclaimed. "I'll bet you could suck a golf ball through a garden hose!"

"Sir, no, sir!" Owen said.

"I don't like the name Lawrence!" Chef said. "Only pretty boys and sailors are called Lawrence!"

"From now on you're Gomer Pyle!" Chef ordered.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Owen said.

The blond had the slightest trace of a smile on his face. This didn't go unnoticed by the eagle-eyed instructor.

"Do you think I'm cute, Private Pyle?" Chef asked. "Do you think I'm funny?"

"Sir, no, sir!" Owen said.

"Then wipe that disgusting grin off your face!" Chef yelled.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Owen said.

"Well, any frickin' time, sweetheart!" Chef said, growing impatient.

"Sir, I'm trying, sir." Owen replied. The poor boy actually was but to no avail.

"Private Pyle, I'm gonna give you three seconds, exactly three frickin' seconds, to wipe that stupid-looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-frack you!" Chef boomed.

"One! Two!" He began counting.

Owen pursed his lips but continued to smile involuntarily.

"Three!" Chef hollered.

"Sir, I can't help it, sir!" Owen said.

"Bullcrap! Get on your knees, scumbag!" Chef commanded.

Owen did as he was told and got on his knees.

"Now choke yourself!" Chef said, placing his right hand out.

Owen placed both his hands around his throat as if to choke himself.

"Goddamn it, with _my_ hand, numbnuts!" Chef said, shaking his head at the stupidity he was witnessing.

Owen reached for Chef Hatchet's hand, but the big man jerked it away

"Don't pull my frickin' hand over there!" Chef commanded. "I said choke yourself! Now lean forward and choke yourself!"

Owen fearfully leaned forward so that his neck rested in Chef's big open hand.

Chef mercilessly choked Owen. The boy gagged and was starting to turn red in the face. He was in excruciating pain.

"Are you through grinning?" Chef asked.

Owen, who was barely able to speak at this point, piped up.

"Sir, yes, sir."

"Bullcrap! I can't hear you!" Chef thundered.

"Sir, yes, sir." Owen managed to get out while gasping for air.

"Bullcrap! I still can't hear you!" Chef said. "Sound off like you got a pair!"

"Sir, yes, sir!" Owen said with all his remaining strength.

Just when tears were about to come out of the fatso's eyes...

"That's enough! Get on your feet!" Chef commanded him.

The man releases his vice-like grip on Owen's throat. Owen got up to his feet. He was breathing heavily. The only good news was that his smile had now vanished.

"Private Pyle, you had best square your butt away and start crapping me Tiffany Cufflinks, or I will definitely mess you up!" Chef said.

"Sir, yes, sir!" Owen said.

That was the end of that.

-FIN-

* * *

This was one of my favorite movie scenes and I just had to reimagine it with the Total Drama cast. Of course, I had to water it down to keep it rated T.

'Full Metal Jacket' itself is a great movie and I highly recommend it.

Perhaps it would have made a good opening scene for the 'Full Metal Drama' episode in Total Drama Action.

Anyway, that's all for now. What's next? Baneposting? Steamed hams? That blasted Ugandan Knuckles meme? Some actual originality?

Definitely not the last one, that's for sure.


	15. Chapter 15

Sex jokes to follow. For the purpose of the jokes (and because I don't want the FBI on my tail), all characters doing the dirty or talking about it are of legal age.

If not, I will make it leg- erm, nevermind.

Life is short. Have an affair!

* * *

 **15 - Affair Weathered Friends**

* * *

Dwayne Junior asks his dad a question.

"What's the difference between theory and practice?"

Dwayne (the father) thinks for a moment, then says "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with famous people for a million dollars."

The boy obliges.

First, Junior asks his mom "Would you have sex with Chris Maclean, the Total Drama host, for a million dollars?"

His mother responds "While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. I accept"

Dwayne asks his 18-year-old sister. "Would you have sex with Don from 'The Ridonculous Race' for a million dollars?"

"Well of course!" She exclaims.

Finally, Junior asks his elder brother. "Would you have sex with Josh from Celebrity Manhunt for a million dollars?"

His brother hums and haws about it "Well I dunno man. I'm not gay, but, well... that is a lot of money."

"Yes or no?" Junior asks.

"Yeah, alright I'd do it." His brother says.

With the job done, Junior goes to see his father again.

"I asked them." He says. "They all said yes."

"So, did you figure out the difference between potential and real?" Dwayne asks his son.

"I think so." Junior says. "But I'm still not sure."

"You see, _potentially_ we are sitting on a goldmine of 3,000,000 dollars. We didn't even have to participate in that racing show." Says his dad. " _Realistically_ , however, we're living with three gold-digging whores."

-X-

Geoff, a married man, was having an affair with his secretary, Zoey.

One day, they leave work early, go to Zoey's place, and make love all afternoon.

Exhausted, both Geoff and Zoey fall asleep. They both wake up at 8 PM in the night.

"Oh crap, I'm supposed to be home by now!" Geoff exclaims, hurriedly buttoning up his pink shirt. "Oh egads! My marriage is ruined!"

"But what if..." He says as a plan formulates in his head.

Geoff tells Zoey to take his socks and shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

Zoey does so. Then, Geoff put on his shoes and drove home.

When he got home, his wife Bridgette was furious.

"Where have you been?" The blonde asks sternly.

"I can't lie to you babe." Geoff responds. "You remember my secretary, Zoey? That redhead chick?"

"Yeah." Bridgette says. "What about her?"

"Well... we went to her house and had sex all afternoon." Geoff says. "Then we fell asleep and woke up late and that's why I'm here late."

Bridgette paused for a second, then observed Geoff.

"You liar!" Bridgette said. "Your socks and shoes say it all! You've been playing golf again!"

-X-

Heather was cruising down the freeway at night in her fiery red convertible with the top down.

A police car caught wind of this and starts following Heather, which only makes the ravenhair go faster.

After an intense high-speed chase, Heather finally pulls over. The police officer, Sanders steps out of her vehicle and walks up to Heather.

"You know," Sanders tells the lawbreaker. "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out."

"Why the hell did you take off like that?" The policewoman asks.

"Well, last week, my husband Trent ran off with a female cop." Heather says. "I was afraid you were trying to give him back."

-X-

Vito sticks his head into Lightning's barber shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"

Lightning, the barber looked around the shop full of customers and says "About 2 hours."

So Vito leaves.

A few days later, Vito again sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"

Lightning looked around at the shop to see how many were waiting and says "Uh… about an hour."

"Okay." Vito says and leaves.

A week later, Vito's back again. He sticks his head in the shop and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?"

Lightning looked around the shop which had 2 others waiting and says "Only about half an hour this time."

"Oh." Vito says.

"Yeah. So, why don't you come in and sit down?" Lightning asks him. "There's plenty of room."

"Nah." Vito says before he leaves again.

Lightning turns to his friend Jo and asks "Hey, Jo, can you do me a sha-favor?"

"Um.. sure." Jo replies. "What is it?"

"Sha-follow that guy Vito and see where he goes." Lightning says. "He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a sha-haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back"

"Will do." Jo says, leaving to follow Vito.

A little while later, Jo returns to the shop to report back, laughing hysterically.

Lightning asks "Well did you do it? What's so funny? Where does that guy go when he sha-leaves?"

Jo looks up, tears in her eyes and says "To your wife Anne Maria!"

-X-

A hungry Owen walks into a cafe, goes to the counter and orders a plate of pasta.

"Certainly, Sir. That'll be one cent." The waiter, Dave, says to him.

"Wow. Only one cent?" Owen thinks to himself.

The blond glances at the menu and asks another question.

"So how much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of soda?"

"A nickel," the germaphobe replies.

"A nickel!?" Exclaims Owen. "Holy cow. That's cheap! Where's the guy who owns this place?"

"Who, Alejandro?" Dave replies "He's upstairs, with my wife, Ella."

A now confused Owen asks "What's this Alejandro guy doing upstairs with your wife Ella?"

Dave replies "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

-X-

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters, Amy and Sammy. Regardless of their attitude (mainly the former's), they were still beautiful.

Their dad took pride in them and talked about how lucky he was to have two pretty twin daughters. Amy and Sammy were two treasures of his life. Eventually, though, the couple wants to have a son.

Despite some setbacks, they decide to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After a while, the wife gets pregnant and delivers a healthy baby boy. They had done it!

The joyful father rushes to the hospital to see his new son.

However, Amy and Sammy's father was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He tells his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Amy and Sammy are two angels! This boy looks like the spawn of Satan!"

The staff was shocked at how the man talked about his new baby son.

"Have you been fooling around behind my back!?" He roars.

The wife smiles sweetly and replies "No! Not this time!"

-X-

Gwen was always suspicious of her boyfriend Duncan's antics.

She decides one day that she can't keep it in any longer. It was time to get an answer.

"How many women have you slept with in total?" The Goth asks the punk.

"Two." Duncan says.

" _Ah, so it's just me and some other girl. I guess I can live with that."_ Gwen thinks to herself.

Then Duncan says "With all the others, I was awake."

-X-

Sadie was married to Justin. One day, she looks at herself in the mirror.

"I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I think you might leave me for another woman." Sadie says worriedly.

"Can you pay me a compliment?" She asks.

"Well..." Justin starts. "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

-X-

Tyler and his friend Brick go out for dinner.

Tyler asks, "Hey Brick if I screwed your wife Taylor, would that make us related? Heh. Taylor and Tyler."

Brick replies with a straight face, "No, Tyler, that would just make us even."

-X-

Cody was a famous and wealthy inventor. He responds to a call from his lawyer, Courtney, insisting that they meet at once.

Even though it's the middle of the night, Cody starts his car and arrives at Courtney's law firm, and is immediately ushered into her office. Courtney was a reputable lawyer, after all.

"Well, Cody, I have some bad news and some terrible news." Courtney tells the geek.

"Darn." Cody says.

"Which one do you want to hear first?" She asks.

"Hm. Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first." Cody says.

"Your wife Emma found a picture worth a half-million dollars." Courtney tells him.

" _That's_ the bad news!?" Cody asks, stunned. "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

Courtney says "The terrible news is that the picture is of you and her sister Kitty."

-X-

Harold, a mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Gerry, a once-famous tennis star who was about to be cremated.

At that point, Harold made a startling discovery. Gerry had the largest private part he had ever seen!

Although he wasn't gay, Harold couldn't let this moment pass.

"I'm sorry Mr. Gerry," Harold the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity's sake."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

When he got home, Harold was buzzing.

"I have to show you something you won't believe." The lanky nerd said to his wife Leshawna.

"What is it?" Leshawna asked.

Harold opening his briefcase and showed her.

"Look!" He said.

"Oh Lord!" Leshawna exclaimed. "Gerry is dead!?"

* * *

I would never have an affair. After all, that would require two women to love me.

Wanna hear another joke?

Total DramaRama!

Nah, just kidding. I actually think the show is pretty good. Viva la Fandom!

It has to be said that I haven't been giving this story much love. I've fallen behind on updating this story, as with my other stories, but this one even less so.

Nonetheless, let me assure you that I won't be discontinuing this story. I still have some jokes and ideas planned and a couple of tricks up my sleeve.

* * *

Next Up: More funny stuff, hopefully.


End file.
